01 September 2014

Nightmare

So, here I was thinking I'd write about the crochet blanket I made.... but it turns out I already did.

Warning:  This is a 'moan', please don't read on if you'd like to have a lovely day.

I'm not really with it these days, I'm not sure what to write about, what to share, what is too much and what is so far from the truth it's a lie.

Yesterday I had a lovely day.  Church was a combined service with three or four other churches from around Te Anau - the whole room was packed, the atmosphere was thick with joyfulness.  My boy was SO well behaved.  I was on cloud nine most of the day.  Work in the evening went quickly and it was fun.

Today, I feel like a heavy cloud has come over me, like a slow fog in the morning, but thicker and thicker all day until evening.  Every question I'm asked I find my answer quickly turns out to be negative and my thoughts run into a dark place where I'm bitter and sad and miserable and I can't move out of the darkness that is clawing at my inner being.

"How was your weekend?"  The first thing I thought of was the fact that it was yet another weekend away from my husband.  Another few days of not finding out what's happening along the lines of us getting together again.

How much longer should we wait until we give it up, pack in this dream that has turned into a nightmare, and leave it for good?

"How was your weekend?"  I thought about the question and my thoughtless answer, and realized I was shocked at my response.  I had mumbled something about "sick of waiting...tired of not knowing."  The real answer, should have been along the lines of, "Well, actually, I had a great weekend."  The truth.  Instead, how I was feeling right then and there came up.  In hindsight, I should have apologized to my co-worker for my negativity.  She was probably feeling sorry for asking.  How rude was I?  She'll probably never ask me how my weekend was ever again.  Shame on me.

We're in limbo.  Vertigo.  My family is in limbo.  Miles and miles and miles apart, waiting for something that just doesn't seem to be happening.  We can't see it happening.  You know, I'm going to jinx it by saying something stupid like, "I bet we'll hear from them in a few days and I'll be a different person."

Or not.

Or will we?

Or won't we?

I'm so tired of this.  We are so tired of this.


xx





10 comments:

  1. Oh Holly, I sympathise with how frustrating, heart wrenching, down right annoying it must be. Honestly you are doing so well to keep going and being positive. Answers will come either way but make sure you guys both give yourselves some kind of deadline as to how long you will let it linger - that makes you in control of your decisions rather than some weird!! system xxxx thinking of you xxxx

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  2. :( Wish I could give you a real life hug. I miss our moaning sessions. ***GIANTHUG*** I don't know what else to say except that trying to be positive helps. But I also know that it is easier said than done.
    Love you Holly!!

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    1. xx ***GIANTHUG*** right back at ya

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  3. Feeling your pain and frustration - hang in there and know that He has it under control xx

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  4. Being real is okay. You're normal :) Big thumbs up to you for being so positive so often and for so long. It's a tough season you're in right now. And that's what it is - a season. It won't last forever, although right now it might feel like it's been forever already. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you. Feeling the hugs! I woke up feeling determined. With gritted teeth, we will get through this and we won't back down! I am going to choose joy, and choosing praise, instead of despair. Amen. xxxxx

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  5. Holly ((((hug))))! These days, the clouds get blown away by the winds of Spirit. When asked how I am as I now sit in the pews as forced retirement from disabilties over standing in the pulpit, with just one more diagnisis added Friday....I reply " fair to partly cloudy". Makes people smile.

    I know full well at almost 58 and "retired" for going on six years now, that they are as uncomfortable as I am, but that little "smile" breaks through the stiltedness ( is that a word?) and a great equalizer.

    I learned many years ago that one day at a time is actually one moment at a time; that the other person may be as strainedas you are, and a hug keeps you sane.

    We love you. We are glad you are as open as you are, and that you trust us to share. Be good to yourself

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    1. Thank you Andrea for your kind and encouraging words. ((((hug))))

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