Nightmare

So, here I was thinking I'd write about the crochet blanket I made.... but it turns out I already did.

Warning:  This is a 'moan', please don't read on if you'd like to have a lovely day.

I'm not really with it these days, I'm not sure what to write about, what to share, what is too much and what is so far from the truth it's a lie.

Yesterday I had a lovely day.  Church was a combined service with three or four other churches from around Te Anau - the whole room was packed, the atmosphere was thick with joyfulness.  My boy was SO well behaved.  I was on cloud nine most of the day.  Work in the evening went quickly and it was fun.

Today, I feel like a heavy cloud has come over me, like a slow fog in the morning, but thicker and thicker all day until evening.  Every question I'm asked I find my answer quickly turns out to be negative and my thoughts run into a dark place where I'm bitter and sad and miserable and I can't move out of the darkness that is clawing at my inner being.

"How was your weekend?"  The first thing I thought of was the fact that it was yet another weekend away from my husband.  Another few days of not finding out what's happening along the lines of us getting together again.

How much longer should we wait until we give it up, pack in this dream that has turned into a nightmare, and leave it for good?

"How was your weekend?"  I thought about the question and my thoughtless answer, and realized I was shocked at my response.  I had mumbled something about "sick of waiting...tired of not knowing."  The real answer, should have been along the lines of, "Well, actually, I had a great weekend."  The truth.  Instead, how I was feeling right then and there came up.  In hindsight, I should have apologized to my co-worker for my negativity.  She was probably feeling sorry for asking.  How rude was I?  She'll probably never ask me how my weekend was ever again.  Shame on me.

We're in limbo.  Vertigo.  My family is in limbo.  Miles and miles and miles apart, waiting for something that just doesn't seem to be happening.  We can't see it happening.  You know, I'm going to jinx it by saying something stupid like, "I bet we'll hear from them in a few days and I'll be a different person."

Or not.

Or will we?

Or won't we?

I'm so tired of this.  We are so tired of this.


xx