30 August 2011

On being a Mom

After all of this... hoping, waiting, praying, wishing, feeling bumbed out, crying, feeling shamed out, feeling heartache, confused, I am left still with all of the above.

Our son came late.  Very late.  Two whole weeks late.  Two whole weeks of 'is this it yet?'

But not only was he born on the 14th of July, 2011... he was born via cesarean section.

After a failed venthouse.

Then after 3 weeks the wound got an infection.

It went from "lame" to "this sucks" to "nasty as" to "for crying out flamin' loud!!!!!!!"

Am I a bit bitter?  Yes.  I prayed so hard that I wouldn't be fearful - that is the one thing that did happen.  Through all of it, the 36hr labour, the 2 1/2 hours of trying to push my son out, the 'birth', I wasn't terribly fearful that I can remember.  When things weren't going 'right' I didn't begin to think there was something really 'wrong'.  When they told me they had to prep me for surgery and to sign this paper and they wheeled me around, I wasn't fearful.

On the plus-side our son was born healthy.  I wasn't left so well after the cesarean.  My wound got an infection which caused it to take a bit longer to heal and to not be so sore.  An infection I'm told that can only happen if there was something non-sterile during the surgery.

I think there is a grieving process to work through when things like this happen.  I am hurt.  I'm not sure how I am with God right now.  I love Him, I praise Him for our boy being healthy and safe.  I'm not sure why He would let me (and my husband) go through all that happened in the last 7-8 weeks when we were praying and hoping so hard for everything to go the way it is 'supposed' to.

So here I am, hoping, waiting, praying, wishing, feeling bumbed out, crying, feeling shamed out, feeling heartache, confused.  Still.

But aside from what I've been through I am so loving being a mom.  My son is so awesome!  I really do thank God for my cute little man.

"Little Lion" Bruce
14 July 2011
(6weeks + 2days old in this pic with proud Dad & Mum)


  1. Awh Holly! I'm sorry for not being there as much as I could have :( I look at you and I see the mum I want to be, strong, proud (the good kind), filled with love for Levi and so courageous and still having a smile at the end of the day. You have done so well and I am looking forward to seeing you and your son grow stronger in life and in God. xx!!

  2. And I just read your previous post, there's your answer right there! 'It's not the date that matters etc'
    :D xxxx

  3. Oh Holly, I am so sorry its not what you and Roy wanted and prayed for.

    I have no answers, except to say that from the outside you seem to handle it remarkably well. If now is the time for that grieving then let us grieve.

  4. Awe, thank you Amy :) I think everyone was there for me enough, don't feel sad about that. I'm so happy and thankful for all that everyone has done for me :) I think it's more about a grieving process. And I'm not sad and angry about it all the time. Just when I really think about it all. And when I meet God face to face (if I haven't figured it out by then) I am definitely going to ask him, 'wtf?' Probably in different words though haha. I think he will understand my asking 'why?'


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